Day 6 – Going Inward

Chapter 6 – The Practice of Meditation
Yoga Teacher – Govindas

Today was a bit of a break through. Anyone who does any kind of practice knows that it’s only the repetition of the practice do the results come. After 5 days in a row of yoga today, the sixth day, felt really good. I was able to flow in a way where my mind was purely focused on the breath and not the struggle. It certainly helped that maha-teacher Govindas cultivated such good bhav that the room was charged.

This is karma yoga in action. When the self is performing it’s duties without any hang ups about what may lie on the other side. Doing hatha yoga isn’t exactly selfless service but it is a way to take a litmus test of gauging where you’re at and what your hang ups are.

The first five chapters of the Gita talk so much about karma yoga, action and how to detach the ego by focussing on the atman. Chapter 6 is interesting and unique to The Gita because it’s the first time that Krishna is giving detailed instruction for any kind of practice. Krishna instructs Arjuna on the path of meditation and even goes so far as to tell him to sit up straight to avoid drowsiness. Krishna is becoming astutely aware that Arjuna is indeed becoming a yogi, or at least should become a yogi.

This sort of discussion is more commonly found in the Yoga Sutras when referring to eight limbed yoga (ashtanga yoga). There has been much controversy of the years as to what the word “asana” means, most say it just means “seat.” So when Patanjali is talking about this limb of yoga he could very well have been talking about mediation and not what we call asana today. In essence, Krishna is also talking about the same thing.

Chapter 6 Verse 10 “Those who aspire to the state of yoga should seek the Self in inner solitude through meditation.”

Of course the Self referred to here is the atman – the true eternal self. Not the projected self that lies within the ego which dances on the banks of maya.

Chapter 6 Verse 11 “Select a clean spot..then once seated, strive to still your thoughts. Make your mind one-pointed in meditation and your heart will be purified.”

The heart? Yes Krishna talks about the purification of the heart which has always lept of the page for me. This is one of the first instances where Krishna is talking about bhakti – the yoga that cultivates the heart space. It is clear that Arjuna has been in his head and hung up on a very specific trip in this journey. When it’s recommended that self realization through mediation will awaken the heart Arjuna will now be able to see what is his dhamra and what isn’t. We all say many times “the journey from the head to heart can be long.” This is evident here.

After this revelation Arjuna hits a wall and expresses doubt that he can even comprehend such a thing. Arjuna says “O Krishna, the stillness of divine union which you describe is beyond my comprehension. How can the mind, which is so restless, attain lasting peace?”

How many times have we doubted our ability to continue on the journey? With yoga alone I’ve probably done more questioning than I have embracing. Like I said in earlier posts, I constantly fall into the trap of comparison. For as long as I’ve been practicing asana (10 years) I should be much more accomplished in the physical practice than I am, right? Ahhhh…this illusion is so juicy. The essence of what is maya.

Krishna says in verse 35 “But it can be conquered Arjuna, through regular practice and detachment.”

I find that this chapter, when looked at just a little differently, is directly applicable to someone engaging on a practice of yoga. The instruction is given here. Really beautiful.

Day 5 – Rejoicing in where you’re at

Chapter 5 – Renounce and Rejoice
Yoga Teacher – Ellen Bain at Equinox Marina Del Rey

In my experience I find that with many people, including myself, who embark on a spiritual path a great paradox is unearthed. When one goes deeper the question naturally arrises “why am I doing what I’m doing?” For what purpose are any of these actions I do in life? Why not just give it all up and renounce everything?

It’s a paradox because a spiritual path can give so much meaning to everything yet at the same time make everything seem small because of the realization that everything is impermanent. So what does it matter what I do? How do I find purpose in life? How do I find purpose in even the mundane?

Krishna wisely sees that the path of renunciation would not be right for Arjuna. Arjuna’s dharma is one of action or of yoga. Through the path of yoga his self inquiry or Sankhya is realized. I find this to be very wise and intuitive of Krishna because he is giving Arjuna instruction based on Arjuna’s own unique dharma and circumstance and not telling him that he must do something that doesn’t feel right to him.

Chapter 5 Verse 3 “The immature think that knowledge and action are different, but the wise see them as the same. The person who is established in one path will attain the rewards of both.”

This is a very beautiful way of saying do whatever you do with your intentions set on being unselfish. The thought gives so much purpose to everything we do because in it’s perfect essence everything we do can be an act of devotion when done with “unified abandon of all attachment.” A “supreme peace” will be realized.

Again, I’m falling back to previous themes when mirroring these teachings against my own yoga practice. The only thing that matters is that I do the word without any attachments to the results. Yoga in Los Angeles can very deceiving because the fruits of the labor are very sexy and shiny. So many people who practice in LA have great physiques or can do incredible poses with their bodies but if practice to attain those things you will most likely fall short because it never ends. The beauty of yoga is that there is nowhere to arrive to, you’re already there. The success of each pose in ones life is completely subjective and should never be compared with others. However, like I said…it’s tricky. I’d like my body to be more toned, I admit it. I’d like to be able to a forearm handstand – I admit that also. This is why it’s tricky, my ego wants a lot of things that perhaps I’m just not ready for yet or do more practice to attain.

Chapter 5 Verse 8 “Those who know this truth, who consciousness is unified, think always “I am not the doer?” While seeing or hearing….moving about…letting go or holding on…they understand that these are only the movements of the senses among the sense objects.”

When you add individuality to this concept – the idea of a unique incarnation – it takes shape because everybody’s manifestation of how the move, breath and engage with the material world in unique. Therefore, to each their own yoga. Each persons sadahna is unique.

Chapter 5 Verse 27 “Closing their eyes, steadying their breathing and focussing their attention on the center of spiritual consciousness the wise master their senses, mind and intellect through meditation. Self Realization is their only goal.”

Everything is yoga if you look at this way. Making breakfast or taking out the trash is an act of yoga because a union is needed and executed upon.

Looking forward to Chapter 6 and Govind Das at Bhakti Yoga Shala tomorrow.

NOTE – please know the word “yoga” is being used lightly and in different context through out these posts. Sometimes I use the word to mean “hatha yoga” that we just call “yoga” in the West and sometimes I use the word to refer to the all overall system of “yoga.” Most readers will know this but it’s worth pointing out anyway.

Day 4 – When in doubt, take action.

Chapter 4 – Wisdom in Action
Yoga Teacher – Heidi Rayden

Krishna – “Arjuna, cut through this doubt in your own heart with the sword of spiritual wisdom. Arise; take up the path of yoga!”

Even at the precipice of what may feel like the most hopeless bondage of mortal worry and doubt, Krishna reminds Arjuna that the wise take action always. In my own personal experience the only liberation that I’ve ever experienced has come from just putting one foot in front of the other – from just “showing up” to the dance. As Ram Dass says it’s “the only dance there is.”

There have a been a few issues that have come up for me in recent weeks that classify these times as being difficult. There are so many forms of pain that range from the inevitable (people dying, sickness, etc) to flavors that are a little more participatory like heartbreak, friendships, financial and all that. It’s all part of the journey. At the same time, it’s important for me to realize that my problems are no greater or no less than what anyone else is experiencing. We all have our stuff and all are all experiencing it through different channels.

Chapter 3 starts off with lofty mystical nuances that Krishan is merely hinting to Arjuna, much of which will appear in later chapters of The Gita. Things like reincarnation, remembering karma’s from previous births and Krishna’s all around transcendent nature all take mature form later but are teased upon here. After that is done, Krishna realizes that Arjuna is still stuck in his “stuff.” He’s still dwelling upon his current predicament of having to wage war against his own family. Because that is such a major life problem for Arjuna he can’t get passed that just yet.

Therefore, Krishna must guide Arjuna back to the material world ropes of action and inaction.

He says “What is action and what is inaction? This question has confused the greatest of sages. I will give you the secret of action, with which you can free yourself from bondage…”

“The wise see that there is action in the midst of inaction and inaction in the midst of action. Their consciousness is unified, and every act is done with complete awareness.”

“The awakened sages call a person wise when all his undertakings are free from anxiety about results…”

Krishna Das, in his kirtans, talks a lot about just returning to the practice or the chanting of the names. To just sing and go back to that. When the mind wanders, go back to that. When you’re not sure what to focus on, just go back to that. It sounds simple but it’s really not, there are many subtle layers of complexities in it. Like with every meditation, the mind will wander and start to play tricks.

In todays Yoga practice the thought of “why why why” kept going through my head. Why am I doing this? Am I trying to prove something to myself? Am I just trying to get in better shape? All of these are true. But none of them are important. The only thing that I’m committed to is using this experience as a method to return to my practice no matter what the circumstances are. When in doubt, take action. This has never failed me. The stuff that I’m going through today – attachment, expectations, longing, worry, doubt, fear – will without question cease to exist in a little while. They are stories that my mind is telling itself as a way to distract me from shining brighter.

Day 3 – The Stuff We Do

Chapter 3 – Selfless Service
Yoga Teacher – Brian Campbell at Exhale

At it’s best the practice of Hatha Yoga is a moving meditation. When breath and movement are merged and struggle ceases to exist the sensation of the senses and even thought go away for awhile and merge into the oneness of the practice. In my experience, this is the ideal state that arrises when practicing hatha yoga.

Like most practices it is a very difficult state to attain because it requires regular practice and attention. Like anything if you only do it now and then you’re not gonna be very good at it and you will only flirt with the full bounty of that actions success.

The “stuff we do” is karma yoga, it is the way of action. If we occupy our daily actions with righteous efforts and activities then we are in essence practicing karma yoga. This comes in many forms of course and is different for every persons dharma.

Krishna says in Chapter 3 “It is better to strive in ones own dharma than to succeed in the dharma of another.”

I’ve been really getting into this stuff lately with a lot of my friends on the path. The practice of bhakti opens one up to so many limitless possibilities. When the soul cries out to God in the form of kirtan God reveals back to us an awareness that puts us (hopefully) closer to what is our dharma and what isn’t. For me, it’s not black and white like “oh my dharma is to be a painter” or whatever. I’m here doing my thing and adding and subtracting the things that either work or don’t work. It’s that simple. Constantly tweaking my actions and activities that feel right to me based on the feedback I’m getting from God.

Chapter 3 of the Gita not only introduces us to the way of action but also to the three Gunas – sattva, rajas and tamas. Going in reverse our life usually goes from tamastic to sattvic. The way of action that gets us in touch with our karmas gives us the ability to lead a sattvic life. It’s something to strive to. What’s pure? What isn’t? When I get angry and lash out what in me is afraid of loving unconditionally?

“Selfish desire if found in the senses mind and intellect, misleading them and burying them in delusion. Fight with all your strength Arjuna” – Krishna

The Bhagavad Gita is a book that is rooted in action. That is why I believe it is so potent even in the 21st Century. The Gita does not necessarily support the idea of being an ascetic. It merely says that do whatever you do with a fixation on the divine – in this case Krishna. Even the mundane – do it with an act of devotion.

So if I am practicing asana for 18 days straight does this bring me closer to some realization that I’m going to be a better yogi? Maybe and maybe not. The point is to be detached from the results – this is the core of selfless service or seva. Do the stuff you do without any attachment to how it might end. Do it because it feels in alignment with the best sattvic dharma you can possibly manifest in this incarnation.

I am finding it very comforting how the Gita does touch on certain aspects of what one might experience when going through a difficult physical practice like hatha yoga. It doesn’t address these things using asana as it’s context but if you glance at the page differently you can see how the nature of Krishna’s instruction can be used for all matters in your life.

For instance – asana is not always pleasant for me. It is more than it is not or else I wouldn’t do it at all. But I struggle. By body hurts and I have to remember to get back to my breath which will lead me to the pleasure of the practice. Constant ebb and flow. Krishna supports this notion by saying “The senses have been conditioned by attraction to the pleasant and aversion to the unpleasant. Do not be ruled by the them for they are obstacles in your path.”

Later on when we see Arjuna embracing these ideas we can see him toying with the subtle ropes of the material world – the three gunas.

With love.

Day 2

Chapter 2: Self Realization
Yoga Teacher: Micheline Berry at Exhale

Day 2 began at 530 am this morning. I had to shorten my own morning bhakti practice at home so I could eat a little food and make it to Micheline Berry’s 7 am class at Exhale in Venice.

I wanted clarify a few things. The perceived struggle for me here is the act of actually going to a yoga studio for 18 days straight of challenging physical practice. I’ve done the 40 day Mark Whitwell approved home practice of 7 minutes of breath and body movement that he calls “The Promise” but feel the need to explore the physical parts that push me into a deeper surrender a little more. Mark if you’re reading this, I love you and you helped set me on my path in a huge way.

To go deeper into the physical part of this journey (which is really mental anyway FYI) the act of leaving my house and scheduling the time to engage with a teacher in a studio is very difficult for me. There are so many obstacles. Traffic, work, friends, being lazy, wanting to sleep in, etc. I can make up a myriad of reasons why this is hard to do while in the middle of my urban yuppie existence. The outpouring of support has been great so far, so much so that even a couple of friends have expressed solidarity and are doing the 18 day immersion too!

So as we stand on the obstacle laden battlefield of the senses we tend to question some of the very nature of why we do the things we do, or why we don’t do the things we want to do. Our minds will lead astray if not properly trained to focus ones innermost nature. Chapter 2 of the Gita will awaken Arjuna from despair to self-realization by teaching him about the basic principles of yoga, the soul (jiva) and sense control.

Krishna, Chapter 2: “When the senses contact sense objects, a person experiences cold or heat, pleasure or pain. These experiences are fleeting, they come and go. Bear them patiently Arjuna. “Those who are unaffected by these changes, who are the same in pleasure and pain, are truly wise and fit for immortality. Assert your strength and realize this!”

Such is the case when asana feels painful, difficult and beyond a certain level of comfort. Krishnas position here was an important one for me to remember when I was in Parivrtta Parsvakonasana (Revolved Side Angle Pose) this morning. My legs are hurting these days, but the pain when in this pose will pass. Just a few breaths into it I can begin to settle. Yoga isn’t about pushing oneself to the point of discomfort and injury but it is about walking the line between what is real and what is perceived.

Krishna goes to tell Arjuna why he should fight in this battle “Considering your dharma you should not vacillate. For a warrior nothing is higher than a fight against evil…for it comes as an open gate to heaven.”

Is it my dharma to have a master asana practice? Probably not. But is it my dharma to seek wisdom and peace within my own incarnation at this time ridding myself of all the nonsense that goes in between my ears? Yes. This practice is a manifestation of that. It’s setting out to finish something that I set out to do.

“On this path effort never goes to waster, and there is no failure. Even a little effort toward spiritual awareness will protect you from the greatest fear” – Sri Krishna Chapter 2

And so it is.

Day 1

Chapter 1: The War Within
Yoga teacher: Stephanie Phelan at Maha Yoga

Today is Day 1 of an 18 day yoga immersion that I’m setting out on. The twist is that I’m doing one asana class a day for each chapter of The Bhagavad Gita. Eighteen classes for eighteen chapters. About mid way through the day (today) it occurred to me to go forth on this little experiment. So this is not something that is pre meditated or that I’ve put much thought into. However, a number of things fell into place today that makes this feel like it’s a worthwhile thing to do.

One, I’ve really been feeling the need to re-engage into my asana practice. It’s been sporadic lately and I feel a little disconnected from my body so that I’d like to remedy that. For as long as I’ve been practicing asana I’m not very good at it. I realize that just because there are some things that I can’t do physically, even after all this time, it doesn’t make me any less of a yogi but it does create a personal chasm in my own personal practice that I’d someday like to fill. Second, I started rereading the Gita this morning as I do a couple of times a year and the thought occurred to why not combine the two activities. The Gita is my core manual for a spiritual life and if one looks closer perhaps there could be some correlations between the wisdom that Krishna speaks and ones personal struggles (and triumphs) when engaging on a mini immersion like 18 days of consecutive yoga.

Additionally, it’s an interesting undertaking because the Gita has nothing to do with asana and asana has very little do with the Gita. I’m an expert on neither which also creates an interesting opportunity to reveal little nuggets of clarity that haven’t appeared to me before. Blogging about this will be a self indulgent mess at times but maybe through that mess a discipline will arise that will force me to put pen to paper thus holding me accountable to finishing all 18 days in a row. I’m lazy so this may be the perfect way to work through that!

In Chapter 1 the stage is set for the battle that our protagonist, Arjuna, must undergo. Arjuna must engage in a fierce battle against his own family members to restore control and dignity to the kingdom that is rightly his and his brothers. Their evil blind uncle Dhritarashtra is one the other side mobilizing his armies to take down Arjuna and his brothers on the battle field. Right as the battle is about to begin Arjuna sees the internal conflict and begins to question everything about the nature of life, war, virtues, purpose, God and so much more. The good news that Arjuna’s charioteer and most trusted spiritual advisor also happens to be the supreme personality of God himself, Krishna. So while in peril Arjuna has the right guy around to ask questions to. The answer to these questions come from Krishna in the chariot on the battle field and is “The Song of God.”

In Chapter 1 the core metaphor of battle and war is set. In many orthodox Hindu traditions the war element is taken quite literally under the understanding that while war is inherently evil it is also the dharma of a certain class to fight just wars. However, in the mystic traditions of ancient India the war is a metaphor for the wars and battles that we must all fight on any given day. The great sages, saints and rishis of ancient India are mystics and this is the point of view that I relate with and will discuss. It’s a very important distinction and what that must be clarified.

The war within my own mind on whether or not I have the ability, discipline and wherewithal to accomplish a modest task like 18 days in a row of yoga is potent and there is no better manual than the Gita to reflect on my progress. The war within my own mind has also been very juicy lately. Not in a self doubting torturous way but in more of a reflective way that is forcing me to look at my journey with more sensitivity to the things that I really want.

Day 1 of Yoga was good. No struggle. Good flow. Onward. 7 am class tomorrow morning.

What I’ve Learned

This post is dedicated to the memories of Tony Scott, Tom Davis, Jan Sharp, Nelson Lyon, Jeb Abrams and Geoffrey Gordon. All of these beautiful souls left this mortal coil within the last six weeks.

“What’s the difference between loss and change? Attachment.” – Ram Dass

It’s a Tuesdday morning and I just returned from Bhakti Fest in Joshua Tree, CA. After four days of immersive practice I can’t say that I’m any more equipped to write about death than I was a week ago however, I do feel a renewed sense of clarity that comes from loss. This post isn’t really about death anyway. Plenty of people have written on that topic. It’s more about how profound and sudden change can rock you into a new understanding of some of life’s basic principles.

Specifically regarding death though…the mysteries of our physical nature are elusive, frustrating and profound. I think that because we take form in these bodies at this time we really seek to understand why that is. So when it all suddenly ceases to exist we equally try to understand why that is. Right now I feel that it is the “not knowing” how it all works is where the ultimate peace lies. I’ve grown comfortable with the notion that our physical incarnations are so fragile and so precious. Every moment is a gift and as beings taking form right now we must understand that everything is impermanent.

Over the course of the last 6 weeks I’ve experienced radical shifts in my consciousness as it relates to the time I’ve been given on this planet. It’s helped me to understand why I will miss the people who have died, why things like suicide are terribly tragic and why it’s important to fill your time with things that you love.

In Joshua Tree these past 4 days I had to take a look at my practice and what is working and what isn’t. My “practice” is primarily based in methods that seem at face value to be rather structured and formal. For instance, yoga asana has a set of physical sequences that most people do the same way or kirtan has a set of mantras that are sung the same way. However, when one personalizes these practices to let them take on their own form within your own consciousness doorways open that are yours alone. The constant repetition of the names gets so far out that different activations and realizations are available at different times depending on what is you are going through or chanting for. Personalizing ones spiritual practice really helps to make the method malleable thus making the journey constantly rewarding.

All os this loss and funky transitional life structure change all took the form of loss. After an intense four days of practice that included kirtan, discourse, friendship, a little yoga and satsang I feel like I’m come to an awareness of some life qualities that are very important.

The Big Picture

This has been said to me in a variety of ways over the years but it’s becoming very clear in a crystalized and visual way. When we encounter events like sudden and unexplainable deaths or terrible heartbreak it’s important to remember that we are not equipped to understand the bigger picture that makes up all the moving parts of the universe. We are barely equipped to understand ourselves. It’s also become clear that spiritual practice, of any kind, reveals to us glimmers of what the bigger picture is. Perhaps practice can reveal a little shard of universal truth. So when someone decides to loose their will to live we can take refuge in the acceptance that the not understanding is perfectly ok. There’s no reason to understand everything at all times. The mind will constantly go back and forth with the thoughts of “why me” or “this hurts” or “how could she” etc etc. And yes it does help to gain knowledge that can settle the heart but ultimately it’s up to us alone to walk through pain and to move on.

Our minds make up such strong stories that we perceive as our reality. This is in part true – certainly we can be responsible for shaping our living conditions. As Sharon Gannon says “want to change your life? change your thoughts.” Even so with that knowledge there is still a pervading underlying reality that makes up the universe that has nothing to do with us. I don’t believe that the universe and all it’s splendor is a dream that’s going on between our ears, I believe we are one small part of a countless collective that makes it all work together. How the rest of it works I only have slight glimpses into, universal truths that work for me.

Reach Out

If there’s someone in your life who you love or miss but have lost touch with do yourself the favor and reach out and say hello. I’ve always been bad at this because I get shy and reclusive. It’s a very worthwhile thing to do because there may be limited time for you to see them on the physical plane. They might literally jump off a bridge tomorrow. Honestly, I have some sadness in that I didn’t try harder to reach out to Tony in recent years. I have this thought that he would really have loved to see my ’73 Chevy Nova SS and would have been so proud that I bought it with my own money via hard work. I’m sad I didn’t get to share that moment with him.

This can also take on the form of combatting loneliness. I can’t imagine why someone who has so much would take their own life but I suspect it’s because they feel very alone in this world. For myself, I know that I’d be nothing or nowhere without my friends. Yes, there has been a degree of self actualization that has made my life whole but my direct lifeline to my friends and teachers has kept me afloat when I couldn’t find the strength. Don’t be lonely. My shyness has caused me a lot of grief and I’m doing everything I can to keep good association in my life through reaching out.

Do What You Love

We’ve all heard this from a million spiritual teachers in a million different forms. My favorite take on this is from Steve Jobs:

“Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

I’ve seen more people, including myself, wallow away in a rut because they “think” that they have so much to loose if they give up a traditional route or do things out of convenience or comfort. The rationale mind will tell you that you have so many excuses for not following your heart. Society fills us with fear of scarcity – that not having enough will someday become a reality when in fact all of our needs are already met. I for one don’t want to be that guy who wakes up when they are 75 wishing I had done something that I only dreamed of. That’s enough motivation to not postpone joy, ever.

I got so freaked out a couple weeks ago that a large portion of my life has gone by so very quickly. An old group of my friends gathered at my house three days before Tony Scott checked out and it started this unraveling process of being somewhat frightened that so much time has gone by. And then the Tony thing happened and it really drove home the notion that if I’m not doing what I love then what’s the point? Granted we all have to show and up and do the dirty work from time to time but if we can fill our time here with as much joyous activity to occupy ourselves then we stand a better chance of leading a life full of fulfillment.

Take risks. Everything great comes from great risk or vulnerability. Going for that big career jump that we thought was beyond us or asking that girl out that made us so nervous. We have nothing to loose. That’s my mantra for the day.

Don’t Care What Other People Think

I have work to do here. Far too often my decisions are dictated by the results of what it is people think of me or want from me. One of my main character defects is paranoia and people pleasing. It’s a lousy combination. I want everyone to be happy and then I get so freaked out if I’ve let them down or haven’t made them happy. At the end of the day we’re really all doing the best we can. Even when we make mistakes it’s important to let them go and just be right with yourself and with God.

Spiritual communities can also be perilous in this regard – because they are so tight knit the “gossip” becomes such a huge part of the fabric. Distancing yourself front this pattern takes work and lots of awareness. The moment you start doing stuff to please someone in the community and/or your ego the intention gets lost.

All of this makes it seem like I have some idea that I know what I’m talking about. Trust me, I don’t. During Krishna Das’s Saturday night set at Bhakti Fest he went on some rap about karma and interrupted himself by saying “as if any of us know what the fuck we’re talking about.” So true. These are just thoughts that came to me during a very difficult month and I thought I’d share them.

For the first time in my life I really have no idea what’s next and it’s so completely wonderful. Be good humans.

On Tony Scott

In the mid 1980’s, how I’m not exactly sure, my parents began befriending the film maker Tony Scott. During that era it was no surprise really as they were on the A list of the Hollywood Social Elite. But Tony was different – he was into fast cars and fast women, was fresh off the heels of the uber blockbuster Top Gun and had an overall tough guy demeanor that at first made him an odd fit to be friends with my parents. Stranger things have happened I guess. At that time, Tony lived on Angelo Dr about one mile up from our house in Benedict Canyon. Thus began a neighborly and family based friendship that lasted many many years.

As the years went on it became really noticeable that Tony’s tough guy englishman bulldog exterior was really an act. It was a device he used to craft a persona that allowed him to direct movies that has his unique stamp of action, intrigue and thrills. But that wasn’t really him on the inside. Once you got to know him he was a soft, sweet and gentle as any man you’d ever know. He also was the hardest worker you’d ever seen. No matter how late the night went he’d always get up at 6 am for his morning jog and then to the office or studio to either plan his next film or to make his current one.

In 1988 my parents clearly (and wisely) noticed that I could use a stable person in my life to be there no matter what happened so they made Tony and his then girlfriend Tania my godparents. It was incredibly sweet. Upon the night of the celebration of that event Tony gave me a VHS camcorder in hopes of my one day becoming a film maker. That didn’t happen obviously but I’ll never forget it. And on my sixteenth birthday Tony gave me the money to buy my first car – the beloved ’72 VW Bus. By the time I was seventeen the bus was such a disaster of a lemon that he went out and got me a super cool ’81 Jeep CJ7. It wasn’t so much about material things as it was about him doing things that my parents could not do and about unsurpassed generosity. Looking back on it, the car thing was funny. He knew my VW Bus was going to be a disaster, the Jeep was his tongue in cheek way of saying “i told you so.”

When I was about sixteen I took an interest in Tony’s films and became mesmerized that my godfather was this gigantic Hollywood movie director. Over the years I was so thrilled to get to visit the sets of The Last Boy Scout, Crimson Tide and others. It was such a thrill to see how it all worked. While I eventually became pretty far away from Hollywood in my adult life those days left an indelible mark on me that reinforced how great Hollywood could be when someone focussed on their craft and not trying to be famous. Tony was a craftsman through and through. His attention to detail was impeccable. So much so that he even did his own story boards for his films. Unheard of.

In the middle of all of this Tony and Tania really became our family. During Tony’s morning runs, he would venture a mile down to our house and drop off his dog “Little T” to play with our dog “Bo” for the day. This was a regular routine that went on for years until Tony moved from Angelo Drive. Eventually, Tony and Tania split and Tony met his soon to be wife Donna. Donna was a sizzling hot blonde hair blue eyed Southern Girl from North Carolina who pretty much became my teenage friends wet dream. She was sweet, down home, funny and did I mention hot? As close as we were with Tania the transition into Tony and Donna was rather seamless. The family continued. For years my parents and I hung out with them in Benedict Canyon and also down at the Scott’s beach house in Malibu. As I got older, I took notice that Tony wasn’t a counter-culture guy and Timmy wasn’t an action film guy. It was an odd couple relationship. Yet the friendship between them was genuine and pure.

In the summer of 1992 my mom and my dad split which left me in shock and my dad to fend for himself. I don’t think many people are aware of how much Tony Scott actually helped Timmy. From ’93 to ’96 Tony and Donna really became our go to friends that could help take care of Timmy as he was getting sicker. To make a long story short – Timmy’s death would have been a very very different situation if it weren’t for the kindness and generosity that Tony gave to us. He allowed Timmy to die at home with grace and dignity.

Additionally the bond between the Scott’s and Leary’s was so strong that to this day the executors of the Timothy Leary trust are Donna Scott and Denis Berry, a beautiful soul who came to us also through Tony’s kindness.

I could go on and on with endless stories about Tony’s laughter, dinners at Mr. Chows, Hollywood mischief, his generosity, and his friendship. Early on his guidance to me was so strong and palatable. Perhaps I wasn’t the best godson but I’ll never forget Tony. While we weren’t part of each other’s day to day lives in recent years the Scott’s will always be part of my family. I really wanted to write this post to let the world know the impact that this beautiful man had on my families life. Opposites perhaps, but good souls to the end.

He leaves behind his beautiful wife Donna and their two sons Frank and Max. Tony’s legacy will be one of legend. They don’t make them like that too often. I love you Tony and godspeed. Thank you for everything you did. You changed my life for the better.

Honoring your incarnation

Recently I was visiting a friend who is a pretty spiritual guy and we got into a very interesting conversation about his homosexuality. After some back and forth on the topic we both landed with a sense of mutual agreement that the most natural and pure way to relate with that is to honor it. Obviously. We continued talking about “labels” or supposed “conditions” that society says makes us different from the norm. For me, my label is being an “addict.”

When one is caught in the trap of being a using addict it usually carries with it many selfish and destructive behaviors that wreak havoc upon oneself and the people around him or her. It’s like being caught in an ego driven vortex that convinces ones brain to seek pleasure no matter the cost. It’s a very difficult game to play and a very difficult trap to escape. Because of the way that certain addictions alter the chemical landscape of the brain so then does the consciousness of the individual also begin to get altered. This comes in the form of rationalization and an altered perception that there are valid reasons to continue the damage that you are doing. For me, it was substance abuse. For other it can be things like food, sex or gambling.

So strong is the pull from the material world to seek pleasures that take us outside of the love for God that when combined with ones physiological incarnation that favors these escapes, the result can be deadly. And to make matters even more complex the mind can deceive you and tell you that this road of destruction is actually fun. That’s the perverse part and always the most complex. The mind is a great place to hang out and I’ve always admired it’s capacity but when it deceives you it causes one to take radical notice. Being an intellectual one learns to love the thoughts that are going on in between the ears, as sometimes you can recognize that good things are happening in there. Cognitive capacity and the innate ability to view subtle layers of consciousness is a good thing when in balance with the spiritual world. But when off balance and being fueled by the ego, the mind can play games when it’s in the the throws of something like active addiction.

After some consideration and lots of “work” I feel our incarnations are hard wired to be the way they are. Some say there are karma’s being worked out in this lifetime and that’s what’s going on with us and some say it’s hard wired into our DNA. Either way, it results in some of us being gay and some of being addicts and some of us being depressed. These are not all conditions clearly, but they are all unique manifestations of our roles here on earth at this time. No matter what it is that is happening to you or whatever karmic residue you’ve taken on it’s important to embrace it all – to truly honor your incarnation.

In the world of recovery from addiction I’ve always find it to be such messy business when someone shuns their addiction and refuses to call themselves and an addict or alcoholic if they truly are such. As if it’s a negative endorsement of something rotten. Instead when you fully embrace the hand you are dealt you can be free of it’s negative forces and just look at in the mirror as something beautiful. As Ram Dass would likely say “I’m an addict. Isn’t that far out?” Immediately that frees you from having to play the games associated with it. You bear witness to the label and then proceed on the work that it takes to shed yourself from the behavior that is attached to the negative realms of the label. Until you are in full admission of these samaskaras you can’t alter your consciousness and thus your incarnation. Everything that has happened to you has most likely happened because it’s meant to show you something that you need to work on.

In extreme cases, this is a difficult discussion to have with someone who say has lost a loved one or that has a child with a life long medical condition. It’s so hard to embrace the sudden ebbs and flows of existence when it effects us in such a profound and sad way. Why is this happening to me we might always ask? And that is perfectly valid. However, we might instead consider the realization is that it’s just happening and the “I” happens to have a front row seat. Since the dawn of time there has been disease, death and destruction. In our modern, very hyper-aware, society we have an idea that these things are “bad” because they disrupt the attachment to how we want things to be. Naturally, it feels good to have a love one be around for as long as possible. Spiritual work prepares us for when our projection of how the world should be gets suddenly altered in a way that is not to our liking.

I remember when I was suffering in the bottom depths of my addiction I would often ask myself “how could this be happening to me?” or “what did I do to deserve this?”. At the core of addiction is a self centered basis of thought patterns that create the reality that it’s all about you. The personal pro-noun becomes self centered. It’s about the “me” or the “I”. That’s very different than it being about the “self.” Self inquiry will reveal that addiction is something that lives inside of some people for a variety of reasons. Spiritual people have their views of the spiritual malady that lives inside of an addict while scientific people have the view that addiction is purely bio-chemical in nature. No matter the addiction somewhere, possibly in-between, is where the truth lies. I personally don’t always take the sensitive route that other influences create the addiction. Things like abuse or parental manipulation certainly help open the door ways but they alone are not responsible.

This is where course-correction comes in. With conditions like this I personally feel it’s a great relief to honor my incarnation and shout from the mountain top “I AM AN ADDICT.” When that happens, and only then, can the process of course correction begin. Classic recovery stuff – admission turns into honesty turns into willingness turns into recovery. Merging spiritual discourse into this becomes inseparable and utterly important. It is the will of the divine to make us realize that indeed we are truly whole, complete, healthy and beautiful. It’s all of our thoughts that take us away from this. Even when hard-wired to feel less than and to destroy our lives the ability to recovery and know you are love is still possible. To not honor our incarnation and to deal with the things that are holding us back or our causing pain is not holding up your end of the bargain. The divine is giving us the answers all the time and if we don’t choose to accept them then that’s up to us.

All of this takes work. I certainly am not free of all addictive patterns and behaviors. The work is difficult and painful and often results in taking our will back. Relapse is simply that – it’s taking your will back. Honoring your incarnation will reveal that whatever the situation is it’s far out, it’s a game, it’s a test that is being presented.

Steve Jobs and Jerry Garcia in India!

It’s been well documented that Steve went to India in 1974 in search of enlightenment. I have no idea if Jerry Garcia ever went. This is post is about neither. Rather, it’s about how I just met both of them on my recent trip to India.

Upon my departure I loaded up my iPad with 10 or so books that I thought would be essential reading while in Rishikesh and Vrindavan, two very holy cities where the bhav is plentiful. One of which was “Steve Jobs” by Walter Issacson. Also on my iPad were your basic go-to spiritual manuals like The Bhagavad Gita and Srimad Bhagavatam.

Sunset on the Ganga, Rishikesh

On the plane flight over I was well into the Steve Jobs book and found myself getting more and more sucked into the story of how two guys started a company in their garage that later became the worlds most valuable technology company. Even as I arrived in India and was settled into my daily routine I just couldn’t seem to put it down. I was occasionally going back to the Gita but time and time again the Steve book seemed to have all the instruction and inspiration that I needed while enjoying my own spiritual meanderings in India.

The new agers and touchy feely types decry the Steve story as a downer because he often times wasn’t such a nice guy. He was brash, rude, insensitive, sometimes dishonest and didn’t display behavior of that of a counter culture infused guy from Northern California. All that is true. However, that’s not what his story is about. If you’re reading the book to try and find value in him as a model human being that’s missing the point. Rather the book is about one mans ability to manifest the things he held dear to him, without compromise. It’s the story of one mans dharma. What more appropriate thing can you read about while in India?

Steve has the ability to strip out the clutter and distractions that got in the way of realizing his vision for creating products that fused together technology and the humanities. He was not the best programmer or engineer or even business mind around, but he had a vision for how human beings could build relationships with digital interfaces. Those interfaces had a variety of applications over the years that changed the way we live and behave on a daily basis. Indeed, our entire persona of life in the digital age has roots that go back to something that Apple did within the last 30 years. Steve was a modern avatar who slashed and burned his way to success but through it I found that he was also a shining example of someone who found what he loved to do and then did it. That is discipline. I can’t think of too many modern examples who had such a clear vision of how they saw their little slice of the world and had to share it with people no matter what. In life it is about adding all the things that make you a better person but it’s also about getting rid of the extraneous clutter that is preventing you from realizing potential. Just as Steve slashed most of the Apple product line upon his return in 1996, I look to slash most of my personal product line that no longer serves any purpose. Simplify.

That’s the end of the first part. On to my second story.

After Rishikesh I went to Vrindavan. While there, I did get the typical bug that shut me down for 24 hours. It was about my 12th day on this trip. I was laying in bed not able to hold anything down and feeling really distant from why I went there in the first place. I was sick, it was dirty and noisy. Temple life was rigid and predictable. And most importantly I was losing site of the person I wanted to be. Embarrassingly, I thought I was doing this for all the wrong reasons like fashion or because it felt “cool”. I kept asking myself why did I have to go half away around the world to get closer to my guru when I could have just as well found him in the cozy confines of my Culver City home. I just didn’t know what I was really doing or why I was doing it. It was a dark night.

As I was laying there it occurred to me that I hadn’t listened to any western music in nearly two weeks. I thought that perhaps a nice way to distract myself from feeling lousy inside and out was to listen to some music. So I got out my iPod, hit the shuffle button and just took in what was to unfold and once again reshape my experience. The first song to come up was Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong’s song “Isn’t this a lovely day?”. The soothing subtle nuances of Ella and Louis immediately warmed my heart and took me back to my childhood home in 1989 where I could see my parents just hanging out being in love by the fireside. They loved Ella and Louis and no music epitomizes their love more than that. Getting warmer, cozier…slowly feeling a manifestation of spirit. I was feeling love for my parents together and how it used to be, which doesn’t happen too often.

The next track to come up was by the Grateful Dead, it was a 1973 version of “Eyes of the World.” More than any other music the Grateful Dead really is the soundtrack of my life. I think you can guess what happened next. Less than 2 minutes into the song I got the chills from the familiar strains of Jerry’s guitar and the music then set forth in motion a complete overhaul of my attitude, thinking, perception and overall happiness. It all made sense. I knew exactly why I was India and I loved it!

Now it’s funny that the intangible can produce a tangible physical experience. What is it about sound that can trigger emotions which can then trigger thoughts which can then shape your experiences? By merely listening to a performance of a song the seemingly confusing state of my spiritual emotions suddenly went away. The music fixed me! One could add another fascinating tangent to this discussion – how matter and energy is really connected to the same “stuff” which leads to a realization of how the material world and the spiritual world may not be as far apart as we may think.

But this non-dualist probing will be saved for another post.

It’s funny that I traveled so far to be in the presence of such mystical and wonderful places and traditions but in the end the things that were already nearest and dearest to me are what brought me closer to those mystical and wonderful things! That really speaks to the point of what being a seeker all about. It’s so important to remember to not get caught in the trap of searching for something outside of yourself in hopes of attaining some goal. The external things that you may be investigating as methods or tools are really just conduits to bringing you closer to what’s already dwelling inside. That familiar love is always right there. Trying to avoid traps along the way…

I found Jerry Garcia in Steve Jobs in India!