It was 20 years ago today…

Dear Timmy,

In the spirit of honoring things for how they truly are, I want to share that I feel a lot more sad than I thought I would feel today. Not for the loss of your great life but for all the time we spent together that didn’t happen. For all the songs we didn’t sing and for all the birthday parties we didn’t have. For all the hang ups I wish I didn’t have at the time. For all of the love I didn’t know how to express. I love you now more than ever.

And yes I am beyond grateful and amazed for all the time we did spend together and for all the time and love you did give me. You put a lot into my incarnation and I’m thankful for that. Don’t let me get away with whining selfishly about what I didn’t get. I got a lot.

When relationships grow in the spirit world, as this one does, they weave their way into the tender tapestry of every single breath and possibility that every single moment has to offer. I take you with me when I can and rest on my faith that you’re giving me that TL wink of approval as I settle into my own path and adulthood. I too have felt the burn of your frustrated scorn that comes from your genius-biased as you’ve witnessed the many mistakes that I probably didn’t need to make again. Through the juxtaposition of the two is where I feel your presence and continuous spirit guide in my life. Please stay right there, you’re needed.

Boy that was a fast 20 years, damn. I remember May 31, 1996 as if it were yesterday. I remember the final sip of coffee you had at the outdoor patio table and the whisper of the word “beautiful” right before your last breath. Many people who you knew and loved will celebrate you tonight by screening a great doc that you never got to see finished called “Dying to Know.” We will dance, sing and laugh in your love.


2 thoughts on “It was 20 years ago today…”

  1. Tonight, I really enjoyed the unique documentary “Dying To Know”. It was miraculous for you to be present, and gracious of you to share this auspicious date with us all. Much appreciation! The documentary can be deeply thoroughly enjoyed over several viewings – so much being offered and gifted to the audience witnessing this moving picture. It was a personal story, and even more personal to publicly share in the fashion of a theatre full of personalities. The core sharing was the profoundness of the journey of living on this planet called Earth, existing in part and whole within this Earth’s required spacesuit, as well as an individual’s and an individual’s group experience of practicing being here now – while dancing amidst Earth’s diverse variety of illusionary personalities. Momentary, yet eternal, the mystery of living and life remains a dessert to be savoured, adored and adorned with self-love. Wishing you whatever support best works for you on your own unique individual journey. Thank you for sharing – the growth experience while sharing is a reward unto it’s self. Cheers.

  2. Thanks, Zach! I’m sure your dad would have been as happy with the film as he would be with how you’ve grown into your own right as an intelligence agent.

    This post of yours and a previous one on Jerry Garcia, reminded me of a poem I read at my wife’s memorial in 2006 at Forest Lawn Burbank.

    it’s from Rainer Maria Rilke’s “Sonnets to Orpheus,” a cycle of 55 poems written in three weeks during a “savage creative storm” at a Swiss chateau after a prolonged writer’s block, triggered by the death of a young woman Rilke knew only vaguely.

    The whole cycle reminds me of your Dad’s first book, “The Psychedelic Experience,” as both are reliable guide books for dying or tripping.

    The translation by Stephen Mitchell is my favorite.


    Silent friend of many distances, feel

    how your breath enlarges all of space.
Let your presence ring out like a bell
into the night. What feeds upon your face

    grows mighty from the nourishment thus offered.

    Move through transformation, out and in.

    What is the deepest loss that you have suffered?
If drinking is bitter, change yourself to wine.

    In this immeasurable darkness, be the power

    that rounds your senses in their magic ring,
the sense of their mysterious encounter.

    And if the earthly no longer knows your name,

    whisper to the silent earth: I’m flowing.

    To the flashing water say: I am.

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